In talking with someone the other day I realized for the first time how angry I was with God. I was angry at him on so many different levels that I could not even see it. I do not even know when it started. Was it when the beatings started at home and nobody came to my rescue? Was it when the church could not answer my theological questions? I do not know, but lately after having talked with someone I felt the need to fix what was wrong between God and me. For three days I read someone try to belittle and break down God and the Christian faith. It was then that I realized that it was not God who had raped me as a young boy, nor was it God’s fault. I had been somewhere I should not have been. I was doing something that I should not have been doing. I was with someone I shouldn’t have been with, trying to accomplish something that had nothing to do with God.
I have spoken out about the atrocities of the Catholic Church and the priests, but they are not the only church. Then there are the ministers in the protestant church with their adultery. These same ministers and their church are constantly watering down of the scriptures to try to make God’s laws fit the sinner instead of trying to get the sinner to live within the commandments of God. I do not agree with the religion or church that allows men to kill their wives and daughters because they disobey the father, but I know now thanks to my three-day conversation with a self-professed hater of God, who fancies himself a non believer of any religion or any God that I was going the wrong way.
When I read the words of this person for the first time I was trying to find out what made this individual, “Freshly Pressed” material. Now I realize he was not in freshly pressed at all he was in the tagged spot, coincidence or divine intervention? No matter we met and I guess that is all that really matters. The more I read of him the more I realized how angry I had been with God for the weakness and the mistakes of man. I was forced to understand and see that it was not God’s fault that I chose to lead an un-Godly life it was mine. I was forced to see that the church along with its priest, ministers and nuns are not God. They all should be following the teachings of God, but they are of this earth like all of man kind and therefore they are susceptible to all of this world’s weaknesses and short comings. I was forced to see that the relationship between God and a person is a personal one and that we need no priest to tell us how to walk in the way of God. We need no minister to show us how to keep our faith. We do not need to kill in the name of God. All we need to do is to follow his commandments and do what is in our heart.
It was during this encounter with this person that I realized that we did not meet by accident this person and I. It was through this person that God had chosen to reveal himself to me and me to myself. To show me that he could take the words of an atheist and make me see the error of my ways. The more the person asked me to defend God the more I realized that God had done nothing wrong and therefore needed no defending.
I learned in three days what a fool I had been to blame God for a life that I had chosen to live outside of his teachings and I learned it all from a non believer. I will not blame God for the sins of man; I will blame man. I will not hate God for the sins of the church; the church is mans.
I will begin to forgive those who have hurt me and try to fix some of the wrongs that make these horrible acts possible. I would like to thank the person who believes in nothing for helping me find my way back to God, but I do not think he would like his name being used in this way. God will forgive even you, but you must ask for it. I can not speak for you, but I know how I feel now and I know how I felt before our talks and all I can say is,” Thank you for showing me the way back to God even if it was not your goal, or purpose. You have reaffirmed my faith in God.”
There is a hymn by William Cowper that is true of our relationship and it goes like this,
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sov’reign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flow’r.
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.