Is it possible to have love without trust, or can you love someone too much? Is love supposed to hurt sometimes, or is there somethings that love just can not conquer? These are some questions that I pondered last night. Along with what is the reason for being over possessive in a relationship and what are the effects it has on the relationship? When does one say enough is enough and can badgering, wild accusations and constant questioning be considered abusive? Can you be any of the above, or all of the above, or do any of the above and still claim love for the other person, or is what you think is love, really something else?
I have been in quite a few relationships and it always seems that the only way in the end to prove ones committment is to lose a little of ones self. It is like the moment you say I love you it is a given that you will be doing, or not doing certain things, or that you will not be seeing certain friends, or making any new ones without your loves approval. I know that this is not just a female thing , or a male thing, because both genders can be guilty of jealousy, which often leads to unreasonable demands based on the others insecurity.
I think that most people get hurt in a relationship early in their lives and they learn to protect themselves by making sure to eliminate all people and habits that could compete with their time, or the attention they want from their new love interests. For some it is getting the person they wish to have a relationship with to drop all of their old friends and only make new friends that enjoy the company of the couple and are in a relationship themselves. For some it is never being out of contact for a certain amount of time during the day.
I was in a relationship once for example where all other females were suspected of wanting to sleep with me and given a hard time by my love interest. Eventually I found all of my old female friends keeping their distance although going to bed with them had never been a possibility in the our life long friendship. When I objected to the bad treatment of my life long female friends I was accused of trying to keep aces in the hole, or having sexual feelings for them. In time sports on television was seen as a competitor for my time as well as reading, since I read five to six books at a time. As for what my new love called my undesirable life long friends, they were only allowed over with their girlfriends, or wives when invited.
These however was not to be the end of the request for proof of love that this lady would make though and it took a while to catch on to the fact that I had lost all control of my personal life and I was not me anymore, but that I had been recreated into someone safe for my insecure partner to be with. My partner for example started asking who I was talking to on the phone and what they wanted and at first with nothing to hide I answered what to me seemed like an innocent enough question at the time. I never once questioned whether, or not this was appropriate behaviour, or that I was slowly losing my right to privacy and personal space, until the request became a demand. I was informed that two people who loved each other had no secrets, required no personal space and chose willingly to share all that was in the hearts, minds and souls, because they were one. I could never get it, I still do not get it. Why would someone demand to read my mail and stand behind another person say writing on the computer without invitation, or stand by the phone while you are talking to someone on the phone?
I have always found these type of insecure people unattractive for having long-term relationships with whether it is a love interest, or a friendship. I have alway found that love does not work that way for me and when a person starts to act like this I feel trapped and I find that the arguments about privacy and intimacy often drive us apart, rather than bring us closer together. I for one think that it is possible to maintain a healthy relationship without giving up your life long friends, be they male, or female. I believe that it is a selfish demand when a person expects their partner in the relationship to give up the things that they like to do and their right to privacy to prove their love and committment to them. I have heard that some of the supposed experts in this field, if there can truly be such a thing, claim that their should be no need for secrets and that becoming a couple requires telling and sharing all that you were in the past, are now and hope to be in the future, but I just do not agree with them.
I think that when one enters, or entertains entering into a relationship with another they should be aware in their minds that the person who they are interested in, had a life before them and that they may wish to keep some of it, like reading books,. watching sports, and doing things alone with old friends. I think that before you decide to get involved with someone you should take into account that this person probably had strictly plutonic friends of the opposite sex and might like to hold onto them. I think that a person should not get involved with a person they can not trust, or does not make them feel secure. I think that these things should be open and out on the table before one gets into this love thing. I think that it should not be taken for granted that all people feel and act the same way, or expect the same things out of a relationship.
I do not feel that a person has the right to impose their ways or feelings on another. I think that one should rather seek out someone who enjoys the same things as they do. We are very often drawn to a person based on a sexual feeling or finding the person good-looking and in the beginning this tends to override the things that will become important to us later. Girls often sit with their guys and watch football and hockey even though in their heads they are thinking when we get together this will stop. Girls find bad boys attractive although they are looking in the end for a good guy. Men often look at women for their bodies and take to bed value, although in the end they try to change how the girl dresses and how she interacts with men. I think that we need to be honest in what we are looking for in a relationship and then go after the person who displays those qualities for which we are searching and stop hoping that the qualities we do not see will somehow mysteriously appear later on in the relationship.
In closing I would just like to say that when a person is demanding that you be someone else, or that you give up who you are and the things that you like to do, then perhaps it is not you that they want to be with. When someone is asking, or demanding of you things that make you feel trapped and abused, then I think that you should think about why you remain. My mother once said to me, ” Son choose a woman because you want to be with her, not because you need to be with her and you will be happy forever.” My mother also told me son,” Life is not only what you make it, it is also what you settle for.”
- Sacrifice or Settling? (collegerelationships.wordpress.com)
- Dear Bossip: I Loved Her, Wanted To Marry Her, But She Wanted A Break & Is Now With Another Dude (bossip.com)
- How much love is enough? (watdafcuk.wordpress.com)