Telling Your Child You Never Loved Them

It is a myth an old wives tale, but it is often mistaken for a fact, that all females are born with a love for children, especially their own. The courts give a certain credit and validity to this myth when dealing with, or trying to decide custodial issues. I think that this maternal instinct as it is often referred to is over rated, often forcing women to take custody of their children, just because it is expected of them and not because of any special bond, ultimately making it a chore rather than a labor of love.

What parent especially a mother could tell her child the only thing that I ever felt for you was giving birth and even that was painful?  What could make a woman who raised her child until she was 12 years old get so angry that she would deliberately strip down her own child to a feeling of worthlessness and turn all that the child ever thought of as a loving relationship  with her mother, on its head?  I do not know the answer to those questions, but I have witnessed first hand the destruction of a mother’s relationship with her daughter.  The daughter now 27 years of age with two young children was first smothered by her mother from birth to 12 years old; going everywhere with her mother and never allowed to do anything on her own unless visiting her father.  At 12 years old the daughter is abandoned by her mother who claimed she needed a rest from mothering and dropped her on her father’s door step in her pajamas in the early morning hours like you see in the movies, except this child was too big to be in a basket and too old not to remember, when the door bell was rung and her mother ran away, got in her car and drove away before the door was even opened.  Was it that the child got too old, like a kitten, or a puppy ? Was it that the mother found a new man and did not need the daughter anymore?  Was it that she never wanted the child in the first place, or found being a mother difficult?  The answer to these questions I do not know either, but like the other questions I do know  that the effects on the child were many and the mother said she was sorry and felt that there was no further need to discuss that time again, but the child did not agree and could not find closure in the unanswered questions.

These were the questions I was asking myself when I hung up the phone after a 45 minute conversation with my daughter, the Monday afternoon after Liam’s party.  Apparently my ex-wife had decided to get high on weed outside on the lawn of the Lawn Bowling Club and  she re-entered the party just as the last gifts were being opened, shortly after I had left the party, nothing was to her satisfaction and she decided to let it be known in a very aggressive loud manner.  My daughter was not opening the gifts in a good enough manner with Liam.  The one pink candle out of three candles on the cake had to be changed and when she was told to leave it she flew in to a rage saying that every time she tried to do the right thing for her grandchildren she was blocked by our daughter.

That having passed she decided that she wanted my daughter to stop the party and fix an app on her cell phone, not wanting another high outburst from her mom my daughter tried, but could not get it.  Her best friend noticing her having a hard time suggested to my daughter that she needed an update in earshot of Mommie Dearest.  Well Mommie Dearest flew into a rage telling my daughter’s best friend that she should keep quiet and that she did not need an update and that she should stay out of daughter and mother conversations.  My daughter’s best friend said that she was talking to Linda and just trying to help and walked away.

My daughter’s best friend is also 27 years old and has 3 children as is far from a child to be talked to in that manner.  Everything was dropped and nobody bothered to argue with her, because they did not want to spoil the party for Liam. To make matters worse, Mommie Dearest got a call from her soon to be ex husband saying he would be late picking her up, so my daughter was forced to bring her back to her house to wait for him or leave her there. My daughter made the mistake of taking her mother back to her house high on weed and once there Mommie Dearest restarted the argument that she would continue for 3 days via the internet, phone and text messaging.

First my daughter was given a choice of having her mother at family events such as Liam’s birthday, or her best friend. Seeing how the next family event is the children’s christenings and the best friend is the Godmother, I for one do not see how the request could be granted and I do not think that it should.  As for sticking up for Mommie Dearest by our daughter, I am glad my daughter did not lose a life long friend, because her mother that thought that the bar should be closed at a children’s party, but thought that it was okay to get high on weed there and cause problems was demanding it. The assault did not stop there on the best friend, Mommie Dearest decided to imply without directly saying it that none in her circle of friends and her fiance’s family liked the best friend either, leaving the door opened for a major inter family war.  Mercifully the soon to be ex husband of Mommie Dearest arrived and she left, claiming not to be angry, but having gotten all she had to say off of her chest.

If everything would have stopped there, maybe they might have somehow been able to salvage this relationship, but the very next morning and for the following 48 hours it was made clear one text message after another multiple phone calls and nasty messages on Facebook that the nasty, hurtful, disgusting words and behaviour at the party and afterwards were not the result of the weed, but a result of Mommie Dearest’s true inner most darkest feelings which has been growing all through my daughter’s relationship with her.  Over 2 days my daughter was told that she was ungrateful, selfish, a bad daughter and mother.

When reminded that she had taken our daughter’s college fund and used it as a down payment for her house, “Mommie Dearest replied, grow up and stop being so selfish.”  When reminded that she walked out of our daughter’s life multiple times Mommie Dearest replied, “Oh that guilt trip again, get over it already.” On the final day of the verbal abusive onslaught came the worst of all, the woman I once loved enough to marry and have a child with said to our daughter that she had never loved her, that the only feeling she ever had for her was when she was actually giving birth and even that was pain.

This woman actually did not stop there but went on to say that, “I think that I do not make you happy and I know that you do not make me happy, so I think that I would not be too upset or miss you if you did not stay in touch and I think that I shall not miss your children either, because I think you have turned them against me too.”  Her grandson just turned 3 and her granddaughter can not talk, walk, or even hold her head up on her own.  Is this menopause or is she suffering from a mental disorder or is she just a mean-spirited old wind bag, so disgruntled with her life that she has to make someone else’s life a living hell 24 hours a day 7 days a week?  I do not know the answers to these questions either, but I do know the end result.

Our daughter is crushed and may never be able to forgive her.  Mommie Dearest will not be around to see her grandchildren grow up and will probably live to a ripe old age, alone, miserable and blaming everyone but herself for lack of love in her life.  I did not escape the tirade either as Mommie Dearest said, “I am not buying that old gangster’s change from alcoholic, drug abuser to good father and even better grandfather act for one minute.  I have a recorded conversation from 20 years ago when I wanted a 6 month rest from you and he refused saying you were not a ball to be passed back and forth and if I wanted to give him custody he would take you.  Your father also demanded that if he was to get custody that he would be asking for the same child support that he had to pay and the family allowance.  This proves that he tried to extort money from me to take you and what kind of person he is and I will be forwarding a copy of this phone conversation to your fiancée’s mother and father so that they can know what kind of man he was and why I had no choice but to sign over custody of you to him.”

I do not know how or where this kind of disengagement comes from, but I do know that it is very hurtful and only tell this story because, it will have a lasting negative affect on so many lives, both innocent and guilty.  I tell it because I know there are a lot of Mommie Dearest’s on the verge of taking it one step too far, thinking that they can always say sorry and the child will come back.  I am here to tell you that this is not true and that sometimes harsh words, hateful words can not be taken back and should never be said.  This story is very nasty and harsh, but believe it or not I am sure that there are others that make Mommie Dearest’s words sound like a lullaby or a lover’s sonnet, but all of these words cut a child to the  quick.  If you are behaving like this Mommie Dearest, or are thinking of unloading a lot of crap you have been storing up, make damn sure that an end to your relationship is what you want.  I did not talk about men in this story because this involves a mother’s special bond with her child a feeling that was supposed to be there that she admits never was although she fought for custody of our daughter and won.

In closing I would just like to reiterate, that we as a society think that all women are born with a maternal instinct and a love of children; some special bond if you will.  I think though in situations like these it is not there.  Oh moms will go to court and fight for custody out of a sense of doing what is right or they feel obligated to do so, or want to look right to their family, friends and the rest of society, but it is not a burden of love.  It is at this point that the mom thinks that the child owes them for their sacrifice and when the child is not suitably grateful they deem the child selfish and we see the story of my daughter and her mom come into play.

I think that we need to see the signs and allow for mothers who not want to be moms to take a lesser role and not to be shunned, or ridiculed for wanting, or admitting that they would be happier with visitation rather than custody of their children.  I think that my ex-wife never wanted to be a stay at home mom after the divorce, but did what she thought was expected of her and in turn thought she was owed unquestioning obedience and gratitude for the sacrifices she had made and still feels like this even today.  It is sad for all concerned. Society needs to take a different approach in dealing with this problem and allow for women to take a lesser role in child rearing after divorce without feeling ashamed, or suffering humiliation for doing so.  Perhaps then, the kind of horror story I just told you, would never need to be told again.

Below is an example of what I am talking about the actual words of mother to daughter.  I have not changed any of the spelling although this loving grandmother spells her grandson’s name wrong in one spot.   Note at the end the signature is not mom, but Sandra. This is not the first message, neither is it the middle, or the last message that my daughter will get from her mother; it is just a message she received today.

From: Sandra Date: 19 April, 2012 4:33:53 PM EDT
To: Linda
Subject: Just thinking
The way you treated me at Liam’s Birthday has been going on for 10 years +. I put up with it because I realized that was your way of getting out  your anger towards me. Taking the abuse was hurtful for all those years and I have told you that  several times. I was hoping that one day your anger would go away but too no avail. I don’t accept being crucified anymore by you or your friends. You said you wanted to see actions, well for ten years and more I took your abuse that is enough of action for me. And if you didn’t realize that I have taken your abuse for 10+ then you have blinders on. No one would take that kind of abuse from their child and be happy.
Your best friend should have mind her own business I was talking to you. I even said “Linda what is it with the blue and green then she put her nose into it with attitude like yous. She was talking to me, she was looking at me not at you.
On another note when I invited her to my house to please you at the kitchen table she put her nose into my business with you again about the sandwich for Liam. Eye contact was made between you and best friend then you said “I am his mother and I will decide what he eats”, I was hurt but I still remained friendly the whole weekend.
Another note you asked me to hold Emily then you commented that I shouldn’t hold her a certain way because you know her, how will I get to know my grand kids if you keep telling me what I can and can not do with them.
I don’t want to hold them because you always have something to say negative to me.
Candle on the birthday cake for Laim. Pictures for the opening of the presents. I was called in after the presents were half way opened you said. Something doesn’t make any sense here.
Don’t you see that no matter what I do or say it will not be good enough for you I have shown my actions for 10+ but you don’t see that.
I understand that I born you and there is no rule that we have to get along just because we are related you made that clear for 10+. But I don’t have to go to any gatherings where I am not welcomed nor feel comfortable anymore.
I still remain your mother no matter what.

About archemdis

I try to say what is on my mind and not hurt others, but some things need to be said whether they hurt or not and I do just that. I try to listen as well as talk, but my opinion is just that mine. You need not take it as your own, just respect the fact that I am entitled to it, as you are yours. I do read all comments, but will only answer, or allow to be displayed those which adress me by name, refer to the post by name in the comment, or that have been sent through the proper channels. In this manner I can tell whether the comment was meant for me and that it is not just spam.
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